Wow, 8 months.
Divorce going SLOWLY. We came to an agreement in November. Now it is May and still not finalized. Apparently soon to be ex has signed everything and returned it to his lawyer. Maybe someday I'll be divorced.
About 6 weeks ago I decided to join match.com and try dating. I have been out 4 times with 2 different guys. Dating is weird. Dating after meeting online is weird. But good weird. I am enjoying myself.
I have subbed for the last 8 months. I am good at it, but the benefits are non-existant, and therefore it doesn't work long term as income.
I am too tired to do this right now.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Saturday, September 8, 2007
hmmm
I stopped blogging. I was afraid it was being read. It probably is. Isn't that sick?
I got a lawyer. I feel more adult already. Yeah, 36 is a little late to finally start feeling adult. Bummer.
I hate this divorce. My 6 year old said that. Smart little man he is. I agree with him.
I am substitute teaching. I am looking for a job. I have now been on 4 interviews. Apparently I suck at interviews as NO ONE calls me back. Okay, one call back, to say I didn't get the job. I have 4 sub jobs lined up for next week. Apparently I can do that...
I had a migraine earlier today. Luckily it was a short one.
I am going to try to go back to sleep now.
If you are reading this and you know you shouldn't be, future ex husband, you suck.
I got a lawyer. I feel more adult already. Yeah, 36 is a little late to finally start feeling adult. Bummer.
I hate this divorce. My 6 year old said that. Smart little man he is. I agree with him.
I am substitute teaching. I am looking for a job. I have now been on 4 interviews. Apparently I suck at interviews as NO ONE calls me back. Okay, one call back, to say I didn't get the job. I have 4 sub jobs lined up for next week. Apparently I can do that...
I had a migraine earlier today. Luckily it was a short one.
I am going to try to go back to sleep now.
If you are reading this and you know you shouldn't be, future ex husband, you suck.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Sub
I started substitute teaching about a month ago. I was requested twice this week. This is a major thing for me as I LIVE FOR OUTSIDE verification that I am doing a good job. Yes, I realize this is a bit sick and sad, but there it is. (And yes, I am now obsessing that I can't think of the real word I should have used instead of verification...)
I have subbed 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade so far, and all have gone okay. At first I thought it would be easiest to sub for the littlest kids, but now I have gotten used to the older ones and feel a bit scared of the little ones. (pre-k, K, and 1st) Oh well.
The Universe seems to be taking care of me, and for that I am very very grateful!
I have subbed 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade so far, and all have gone okay. At first I thought it would be easiest to sub for the littlest kids, but now I have gotten used to the older ones and feel a bit scared of the little ones. (pre-k, K, and 1st) Oh well.
The Universe seems to be taking care of me, and for that I am very very grateful!
Friday, April 20, 2007
Vegetable Love
My Boy Child is 6. Kindergarten. He has recently discovered that he loves an eggplant. Not eggplant, an eggplant. Not an eggplant dish. One particular eggplant. From my crisper. Three days ago he discovered an eggplant in the fridge. He pulled it out and began dancing with it. I told him it was an eggplant. He made it an eggplant song. Eggplant! Eggplant! Eggplant! Every morning he pulls it out, dances with it, and chants his Eggplant Song.
I am telling you if we made a video and put it on YouTube, we'd be viral. If we sent it to AFV, we'd be rich.
This evening he pulled it out to play with it. His sister is 8. She encourages him. She gave him a short green sock for a hat, and a shiny purple piece of fabric for a blankie. He was so proud that his eggplant's green top had a green hat. He cuddled with his eggplant for an hour. I am not kidding. Before you begin to think that this is some sort of regressive thing, I assure he does it with a wonderful sense of the absurd. He knows it is silly, and does it in a silly way. But he also does it in a very genuine way.
After tucking in, reading, tucking again, Dad reading, and Mom snuggling tonight he asked me if he could cuddle with Eggplant all night. I said I thought by morning eggplant would be squishy and rotten, so no. He asked if there was another fruit or vegetable he could sleep with. (Somehow this only sounds guttery now...) Again, no. He settled on Murpert, my 15 year old purple hippo with yellow ears, and the sweetest loving expression ever on a stuffed animal.
Where am I gonna find a stuffed eggplant for him? How much therapy is this gonna take?
I am grateful for beautiful, brilliant, silly children. I am so blessed.
I am telling you if we made a video and put it on YouTube, we'd be viral. If we sent it to AFV, we'd be rich.
This evening he pulled it out to play with it. His sister is 8. She encourages him. She gave him a short green sock for a hat, and a shiny purple piece of fabric for a blankie. He was so proud that his eggplant's green top had a green hat. He cuddled with his eggplant for an hour. I am not kidding. Before you begin to think that this is some sort of regressive thing, I assure he does it with a wonderful sense of the absurd. He knows it is silly, and does it in a silly way. But he also does it in a very genuine way.
After tucking in, reading, tucking again, Dad reading, and Mom snuggling tonight he asked me if he could cuddle with Eggplant all night. I said I thought by morning eggplant would be squishy and rotten, so no. He asked if there was another fruit or vegetable he could sleep with. (Somehow this only sounds guttery now...) Again, no. He settled on Murpert, my 15 year old purple hippo with yellow ears, and the sweetest loving expression ever on a stuffed animal.
Where am I gonna find a stuffed eggplant for him? How much therapy is this gonna take?
I am grateful for beautiful, brilliant, silly children. I am so blessed.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
creatures
I had this zany idea that I'd repaint the exterior of my house. By myself. Nothing like a fat 36 year old lady on a 24 foot aluminum extension ladder, eh?
Step 1. Procrastinate for 6 years. (DONE!)
Step 2. Guilt self for 6 years over cost of painting. Wonder how angry husband will be for 6 years. (DONE!)
Step 3. Finally decide this is the year. (DONE!) (DONE!) (DONE!)
Step 4. Go to Consumer Reports and find "right" paint. (DONE!)
Step 5. Attempt to find "right" paint at several Home Depot Locations. (DONE!)
Step 6. Go to Glidden.com and find out where the heck they actually carry "right" line. (DONE!)
Step 7. Have anxious thoughts about roof portions of painting. Confer with mother. Get forbidden to do roof portions. (DONE!)
Step 8. Go to the other side of the world to get "right" paint. Stop over at wonderful friend's home after getting paint and wandering the hardware / building supply store for an hour or two. (DONE!)
Step 9. Eat painfully gorgeous delicious tounge swallowlingly good sandwich at friend's house. (DONE!)
Step 10. Try to sand out weird cracky marks on front door.(DONE!)
Step 11. Try harder. (DONE!)
Step 12. Give up and powerwash door. Accidentally find that paint has never been truly adhered to said door. Curse former homeowners for putting cheap paint on door in order to sell house to clueless current owners. (DONE!)
Step 13. Paint stupid *^(*#($^ door anyhow. (DONE!)
Step 14. Paint shutters too. Marvel at just how PURPLE "dignified" looks in semi gloss and sunlight. (DONE!)
Step 15. Realize now door looks cracky, wonky, and PURPLE. (but somehow dignified.)
Step 16. Start removing old, dead, termite damaged wood for replacement.
Step 17. Find LIVE FORAGING TERMITES.
Step 18. FREAK OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Step 19. WTF???
Step 20....tell husband. husband mad. husband seems to think self did this to house on purpose. self starts to blame self...if only i had done this sooner...if only if only if only.
Someone put me out of my misery.
Step 1. Procrastinate for 6 years. (DONE!)
Step 2. Guilt self for 6 years over cost of painting. Wonder how angry husband will be for 6 years. (DONE!)
Step 3. Finally decide this is the year. (DONE!) (DONE!) (DONE!)
Step 4. Go to Consumer Reports and find "right" paint. (DONE!)
Step 5. Attempt to find "right" paint at several Home Depot Locations. (DONE!)
Step 6. Go to Glidden.com and find out where the heck they actually carry "right" line. (DONE!)
Step 7. Have anxious thoughts about roof portions of painting. Confer with mother. Get forbidden to do roof portions. (DONE!)
Step 8. Go to the other side of the world to get "right" paint. Stop over at wonderful friend's home after getting paint and wandering the hardware / building supply store for an hour or two. (DONE!)
Step 9. Eat painfully gorgeous delicious tounge swallowlingly good sandwich at friend's house. (DONE!)
Step 10. Try to sand out weird cracky marks on front door.(DONE!)
Step 11. Try harder. (DONE!)
Step 12. Give up and powerwash door. Accidentally find that paint has never been truly adhered to said door. Curse former homeowners for putting cheap paint on door in order to sell house to clueless current owners. (DONE!)
Step 13. Paint stupid *^(*#($^ door anyhow. (DONE!)
Step 14. Paint shutters too. Marvel at just how PURPLE "dignified" looks in semi gloss and sunlight. (DONE!)
Step 15. Realize now door looks cracky, wonky, and PURPLE. (but somehow dignified.)
Step 16. Start removing old, dead, termite damaged wood for replacement.
Step 17. Find LIVE FORAGING TERMITES.
Step 18. FREAK OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Step 19. WTF???
Step 20....tell husband. husband mad. husband seems to think self did this to house on purpose. self starts to blame self...if only i had done this sooner...if only if only if only.
Someone put me out of my misery.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Huh?
Do you ever wonder just how anonymous your blog is? How anonymous you want it to be? In my current profession, it had better be pretty anonymous if I am going to post everything. But is it safe enough? What is safe enough? What exactly do you have to write to end up fired? I mean, obvious law breaking, SURE. Am I going to do that, NO! I haven't yet, so why start now. Could it be quite embarassing, SURE! What to do?
Not to mention, others with access to this computer? Do they read? Should I care? Yes, I care. I am posting things here I don't feel safe telling others who have access to my computer. Yet, here I am. I guess I could only post from an anonymous library account or something really convoluted. But then, I could only post when I was at the library. That would stink.
Oh well. Maybe you have an anonymous blog, then a deep deep undercover anonymous blog!
Not to mention, others with access to this computer? Do they read? Should I care? Yes, I care. I am posting things here I don't feel safe telling others who have access to my computer. Yet, here I am. I guess I could only post from an anonymous library account or something really convoluted. But then, I could only post when I was at the library. That would stink.
Oh well. Maybe you have an anonymous blog, then a deep deep undercover anonymous blog!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Why Weight?
So, I just overate. I have been observing my eating habits for some time now. Kind of studying when I overeat, what I overeat, when I DON'T overeat. I overeat when I am bored, frustrated, want to anesthetize myself (eat too much, feel yucky, sleep it off), angry, lonely, confused, tired but not sleepy. I DON'T overeat when I am in good company. If I enjoy the people / person I am with, I dont' overeat. I don't even want to. Actually, I don't overeat in front of other people. And I tend to use specific foods where I can easily cram in great gobs before I just have to stop. Nacho chips and sour cream. Tonight it was leftover rice with salsa and TONS of melted cheese. Dairy seems to be one of my favorite things to overeat. Also onion rings, french fries. Foods that don't take much effort to chew, and are "bad" for you. I think that is part of their appeal, that they are bad. I think in some ways my overeating is rebelling.
I didn't rebel as a kid, really. I have broken the law once that I recall, and that is probably the only time. I stole a room service salt shaker from a hotel. Now, if we are counting speeding, I have done that, quite a lot. But recently, I don't hardly ever go more than 4 mph over. I lied to my mother about where I was ONCE in high school. For a boy of course. So I could go see him. We didn't "do anything", but she didn't want me to go. And in college a few times I pretended to forget to turn off the outside light when I came in because I didn't come in until it was light outside. (When she would look outside and see the light off, it was her signal that I was home safe.) Didn't drink. No drugs. No sex until 21. I wasn't really a rebel. That might be dangerous. You might NEED to rebel some, and I didn't? Dunno.
And here is another really weird thing. I don't feel any fatter at 200 lbs than I did at 125 lbs. That is insane. Really, truly insane. How could that make any sense??? Even when I was really tiny and wore a size 3 I never thought I was thin. I thought I looked okay in some clothes then. No realization that the fact that I looked cute in white stretch ski pants meant I was TEENSY. What the heck is up with that? And I think I was a fairly level headed girl, teen person. There is something VERY wrong with that.
So, I am 200 lbs or something very close to that, it has been a while since I weighed. At one point I was at least 209, probably more than that, but in denial. When I got off of Zoloft and onto Cymbalta I dropped 10 pounds FAST, and it hasn't come back.
Oh, another brilliant binge food (oh, did I admit that???) that I use is pizza. Cheese pizza. I will have to pay attention to other foods I use to binge.
And I drink TONS of Coke. 3 cans a day is not outlandish. I mean it is outlandish, but it isn't as unusual as I would like to be able to say. And sometimes I use the Coke to help me eat more in the binge. Sometimes I use the Coke to soothe the post-binge uncomfortables. Sometimes I use the Coke to take away the queasies when I am actually hungry and can't eat at that moment.
It is really weird to post all of this. I have been coming out of the closet to friends for a year or so now. I tell people I weigh 200 lbs. There is something kind of freeing about that. It takes away some of the shame and mystique. (Why do I say mystique, I dont' even understand, but I know it is right.) I admit that my eating (and drinking) habits are the reason I am obese. I guess I hope that coming out of the closet will make it less necessary to be so big.
On YouTube there is a fat rant that is really awesome. One thing it says is that if you are fat, you can blame so many things on that. "Oh, no one wants to date me / look at me as desireable because I am fat." Can't have anything to do with personality, grooming, habits, anything else because it is clearly the FAT! That is insane, and yet, on some level I belive it. Oh, and I have very recently discovered that one reason I hang on to the fat is as protection. I FEAR men looking at me as desireable. Not all men, just the ones I feel I couldn't protect myself against. You all know the predator look. It is horrible. It reduces me to shreds of the woman I know myself to be. I am going to learn to rebuff those so that they dont' happen. I am modeling that after this woman I saw at Saks. She worked there (maybe store manager?). She was beautiful, thin, well dressed. But she had on this weird cloak of invisibility that would very obviously make her amazingness completely undetectable to anyone she didn't choose to show. She made eye contact with me, and (gosh this sounds so goofy...)we had a moment. We were equals. It was a very important moment for me, because a few months before I wouldn't have been able to drink that in. I would have never believed that me and this magical woman could have anything in common.
Okay, now that I sound like a complete wacko I have to go read to my children. That will bring you down to earth!
I am going to get there. Let's go together, a bunch of us!
I didn't rebel as a kid, really. I have broken the law once that I recall, and that is probably the only time. I stole a room service salt shaker from a hotel. Now, if we are counting speeding, I have done that, quite a lot. But recently, I don't hardly ever go more than 4 mph over. I lied to my mother about where I was ONCE in high school. For a boy of course. So I could go see him. We didn't "do anything", but she didn't want me to go. And in college a few times I pretended to forget to turn off the outside light when I came in because I didn't come in until it was light outside. (When she would look outside and see the light off, it was her signal that I was home safe.) Didn't drink. No drugs. No sex until 21. I wasn't really a rebel. That might be dangerous. You might NEED to rebel some, and I didn't? Dunno.
And here is another really weird thing. I don't feel any fatter at 200 lbs than I did at 125 lbs. That is insane. Really, truly insane. How could that make any sense??? Even when I was really tiny and wore a size 3 I never thought I was thin. I thought I looked okay in some clothes then. No realization that the fact that I looked cute in white stretch ski pants meant I was TEENSY. What the heck is up with that? And I think I was a fairly level headed girl, teen person. There is something VERY wrong with that.
So, I am 200 lbs or something very close to that, it has been a while since I weighed. At one point I was at least 209, probably more than that, but in denial. When I got off of Zoloft and onto Cymbalta I dropped 10 pounds FAST, and it hasn't come back.
Oh, another brilliant binge food (oh, did I admit that???) that I use is pizza. Cheese pizza. I will have to pay attention to other foods I use to binge.
And I drink TONS of Coke. 3 cans a day is not outlandish. I mean it is outlandish, but it isn't as unusual as I would like to be able to say. And sometimes I use the Coke to help me eat more in the binge. Sometimes I use the Coke to soothe the post-binge uncomfortables. Sometimes I use the Coke to take away the queasies when I am actually hungry and can't eat at that moment.
It is really weird to post all of this. I have been coming out of the closet to friends for a year or so now. I tell people I weigh 200 lbs. There is something kind of freeing about that. It takes away some of the shame and mystique. (Why do I say mystique, I dont' even understand, but I know it is right.) I admit that my eating (and drinking) habits are the reason I am obese. I guess I hope that coming out of the closet will make it less necessary to be so big.
On YouTube there is a fat rant that is really awesome. One thing it says is that if you are fat, you can blame so many things on that. "Oh, no one wants to date me / look at me as desireable because I am fat." Can't have anything to do with personality, grooming, habits, anything else because it is clearly the FAT! That is insane, and yet, on some level I belive it. Oh, and I have very recently discovered that one reason I hang on to the fat is as protection. I FEAR men looking at me as desireable. Not all men, just the ones I feel I couldn't protect myself against. You all know the predator look. It is horrible. It reduces me to shreds of the woman I know myself to be. I am going to learn to rebuff those so that they dont' happen. I am modeling that after this woman I saw at Saks. She worked there (maybe store manager?). She was beautiful, thin, well dressed. But she had on this weird cloak of invisibility that would very obviously make her amazingness completely undetectable to anyone she didn't choose to show. She made eye contact with me, and (gosh this sounds so goofy...)we had a moment. We were equals. It was a very important moment for me, because a few months before I wouldn't have been able to drink that in. I would have never believed that me and this magical woman could have anything in common.
Okay, now that I sound like a complete wacko I have to go read to my children. That will bring you down to earth!
I am going to get there. Let's go together, a bunch of us!
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