Why Weight?

So, I just overate. I have been observing my eating habits for some time now. Kind of studying when I overeat, what I overeat, when I DON'T overeat. I overeat when I am bored, frustrated, want to anesthetize myself (eat too much, feel yucky, sleep it off), angry, lonely, confused, tired but not sleepy. I DON'T overeat when I am in good company. If I enjoy the people / person I am with, I dont' overeat. I don't even want to. Actually, I don't overeat in front of other people. And I tend to use specific foods where I can easily cram in great gobs before I just have to stop. Nacho chips and sour cream. Tonight it was leftover rice with salsa and TONS of melted cheese. Dairy seems to be one of my favorite things to overeat. Also onion rings, french fries. Foods that don't take much effort to chew, and are "bad" for you. I think that is part of their appeal, that they are bad. I think in some ways my overeating is rebelling.

I didn't rebel as a kid, really. I have broken the law once that I recall, and that is probably the only time. I stole a room service salt shaker from a hotel. Now, if we are counting speeding, I have done that, quite a lot. But recently, I don't hardly ever go more than 4 mph over. I lied to my mother about where I was ONCE in high school. For a boy of course. So I could go see him. We didn't "do anything", but she didn't want me to go. And in college a few times I pretended to forget to turn off the outside light when I came in because I didn't come in until it was light outside. (When she would look outside and see the light off, it was her signal that I was home safe.) Didn't drink. No drugs. No sex until 21. I wasn't really a rebel. That might be dangerous. You might NEED to rebel some, and I didn't? Dunno.

And here is another really weird thing. I don't feel any fatter at 200 lbs than I did at 125 lbs. That is insane. Really, truly insane. How could that make any sense??? Even when I was really tiny and wore a size 3 I never thought I was thin. I thought I looked okay in some clothes then. No realization that the fact that I looked cute in white stretch ski pants meant I was TEENSY. What the heck is up with that? And I think I was a fairly level headed girl, teen person. There is something VERY wrong with that.

So, I am 200 lbs or something very close to that, it has been a while since I weighed. At one point I was at least 209, probably more than that, but in denial. When I got off of Zoloft and onto Cymbalta I dropped 10 pounds FAST, and it hasn't come back.

Oh, another brilliant binge food (oh, did I admit that???) that I use is pizza. Cheese pizza. I will have to pay attention to other foods I use to binge.

And I drink TONS of Coke. 3 cans a day is not outlandish. I mean it is outlandish, but it isn't as unusual as I would like to be able to say. And sometimes I use the Coke to help me eat more in the binge. Sometimes I use the Coke to soothe the post-binge uncomfortables. Sometimes I use the Coke to take away the queasies when I am actually hungry and can't eat at that moment.

It is really weird to post all of this. I have been coming out of the closet to friends for a year or so now. I tell people I weigh 200 lbs. There is something kind of freeing about that. It takes away some of the shame and mystique. (Why do I say mystique, I dont' even understand, but I know it is right.) I admit that my eating (and drinking) habits are the reason I am obese. I guess I hope that coming out of the closet will make it less necessary to be so big.

On YouTube there is a fat rant that is really awesome. One thing it says is that if you are fat, you can blame so many things on that. "Oh, no one wants to date me / look at me as desireable because I am fat." Can't have anything to do with personality, grooming, habits, anything else because it is clearly the FAT! That is insane, and yet, on some level I belive it. Oh, and I have very recently discovered that one reason I hang on to the fat is as protection. I FEAR men looking at me as desireable. Not all men, just the ones I feel I couldn't protect myself against. You all know the predator look. It is horrible. It reduces me to shreds of the woman I know myself to be. I am going to learn to rebuff those so that they dont' happen. I am modeling that after this woman I saw at Saks. She worked there (maybe store manager?). She was beautiful, thin, well dressed. But she had on this weird cloak of invisibility that would very obviously make her amazingness completely undetectable to anyone she didn't choose to show. She made eye contact with me, and (gosh this sounds so goofy...)we had a moment. We were equals. It was a very important moment for me, because a few months before I wouldn't have been able to drink that in. I would have never believed that me and this magical woman could have anything in common.

Okay, now that I sound like a complete wacko I have to go read to my children. That will bring you down to earth!

I am going to get there. Let's go together, a bunch of us!