How Does One?

So, this is about becoming me. At 36, I thought I'd be there. Matter of fact, a few months ago, I thought things were at least fairly okay. Now, not so much.

No, it isn't cancer, nobody close to me has died, nothing "officially" terrible. A marriage that I refused to believe was bad is ending. Life as I thought I knew it is over.

So, I am 36. Re-entering the job market after 8 years at home with my 8 year old daughter and 6 year old son. I suck at being a homemaker. I apparently suck at being a wife to my particular husband. I suck at breaking my addiction to Coke. I suck at eating healthy. I suck at taking my meds regularly. I suck at finishing home improvement projects. I suck at keeping the guilties at bay. I suck at so many things.

That said, I am good at quite a few things too. I am loyal. I am a good friend, sometimes a great friend. I am funny. I am intelligent. I am a good enough mother, and occasionally a great mother. I make people feel as special as they are. I am crafty (as in making crafts.) And apparently I can lie to myself really well!

So, what am I becoming? Who the heck am I? After 8 years as a mother, 11 years married, 13 years with the same man...How the BLEEP should I know?

And here's the freaky part. I get to decide who I am. I get to decide who I am becoming. What a trip. Who thought I was up to this? How did this happen?

I guess we'll see. Me is all I've got when we get right down to it, so I better like me enough for me. I think I can do this.